Psychologist reveals seven patterns that most often destroy relationships
Psychologist and marriage therapist Emma Kenny explains why couples most often seek therapy and how to recognize problems before they become insurmountable.
Psychologist and marriage therapist Emma Kenny explains why couples most often seek therapy and how to recognize problems before they become insurmountable.
According to the experience of British psychologist and marriage therapist Emma Kenny, who spoke to the Daily Mail about her work with couples, occasional arguments are no cause for concern, but continuously avoiding fundamental issues harms the relationship in the long run. Kenny has identified seven patterns she most often sees in her practice, which, if not recognized in time, can lead to permanent estrangement between partners.
One of the biggest "relationship killers," according to Kenny, is when partners stop asking questions and start believing they already know what the other thinks or feels. Such assumptions, she says, create resentment in both partners over time. Her advice is simple but demanding in practice: "Become curious. Instead of saying, 'You always do that,' try 'Help me understand what was going on with you when that happened.' Curiosity reduces the heat of conflict, while accusation fuels it," the therapist explains.
Couples often come to her, Kenny says, claiming they argue over trivial things like dishes, money, or household chores, but these scenes are rarely what truly ails the relationship. Behind such conflicts usually lies a deeper feeling, for instance, the impression that your partner takes you for granted. Instead of arguing over the object, she advises naming the emotion: "Instead of 'You never help around the house,' it might be more honest to say 'I feel really lonely and unsupported, and I'm starting to feel resentful.'" Such an approach gives the partner something to respond to, rather than feeling attacked and defensive.
Many people believe that keeping the peace at all costs is a sign of a good relationship, but Kenny warns that suppressed feelings almost always erupt later, often over a trivial matter. According to her, it is crucial to speak up while the problem is still small: "You don't have to turn every feeling into a crisis, but you must be honest before bitterness begins to reshape the entire relationship." The therapist adds that the absence of disagreement is not necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship; rather, what is healthy is when couples work constructively on resolving conflicts.
According to Kenny, many couples talk all the time but don't actually communicate, because they criticize each other, interrupt, or defend themselves instead of listening. The solution, she says, is to learn to listen without preparing a defense: "That doesn't mean you agree with everything that is said. It means you are willing to understand the emotional truth of what your partner is experiencing."
The therapist reminds us that intimacy doesn't just mean sex life, but also affection, eye contact, laughter, and the feeling that your partner truly sees you. When the logistics of everyday life take priority, the relationship, according to her, can turn into a "management meeting." She advises intentionally investing effort: "Stop waiting for spontaneity to magically return. Long-lasting love needs intention. That may sound unromantic, but it isn't."
When one or both partners feel ridiculed, rejected, or constantly criticized, they stop sharing their thoughts and feelings, which, according to Kenny's experience, is a common occurrence in long-term relationships. To build emotional security, she advises reducing sarcasm and so-called "scorekeeping," while simultaneously strengthening accountability in the relationship.
The last, but not least, problem is delaying going to therapy. Kenny warns that many couples come to therapy only after years of unhappiness, when the relationship is already "in intensive care," making them fear that repair is too late. She emphasizes that therapy should not be seen as the last stop before separation, but as a tool for maintaining healthy conversations: "The healthiest couples are not perfect, they are simply the ones who constantly choose to repair."
Although the advice of Emma Kenny is based on her clinical experience and published via the British media Daily Mail, experts advise that couples who recognize more serious patterns in their own relationship seek help from a licensed marriage or family therapist in their area, in order to receive advice tailored to their own situation.
