90-Year-Old Grandmother Stubbornly Refuses Nursing Home

When caring for an elderly and frail person becomes physically and emotionally unbearable, families often find themselves up against a wall. This is exactly the situation faced by Reddit user linolada_, whose post about her 90-year-old grandmother who stubbornly refuses to go to a nursing home sparked an avalanche of heartbreaking comments.

"What do you do with a person who doesn't want to go to a nursing home? Here's the situation: my grandmother is 100% immobile and doesn't want to go to a nursing home. How do we win her over? Is there another solution? She needs 24-hour care, and I can't manage to take care of her because I have to work. Does anyone have a similar experience?" she wrote. Personal testimonies soon began to pile up beneath the post, revealing the full weight of this decision.

From Hunger Strike to the Illusion of Control

One of the most touching experiences was shared by a user whose grandmother resisted for years. "My grandmother absolutely refused, she was stubborn to the very last moment. She's a very headstrong and difficult person, she was independent her whole life and finds it hard to accept that she has to depend on others, even though she's now 90 and spends most of her time in a wheelchair," she recounted. The family first hired a woman to spend half the day with the grandmother, but that wasn't enough because the elderly woman would fall during the hours she was alone.

When they finally placed her in the first home, the reaction was dramatic. "She got it into her head that the staff were poisoning people because several residents died during that period. She literally went on a hunger strike to get us to take her out of there," she recalled. It was only after moving her to a second home, where her father visits regularly every Friday and takes her out for coffee or to her apartment, that the situation calmed down. "Maybe your grandmother would eventually agree if she knew you wouldn't just dump her there and forget about her, which is the biggest fear elderly people have about nursing homes," she advised.

Fear of Abandonment and Loss of Control

Experts point out that the fear of abandonment is the key reason for resistance. "My grandmother is almost 90 and she's really in a bad way, completely frail, and she absolutely refuses to go to a home," one person wrote. "At least my family cooks everything for her, but she eats like a bird, and we're afraid that if we send her there, she wouldn't eat anything. She's afraid of being alone, so we're here with her."

A user who lost her grandmother at the age of 90 shares a similar view. "She wouldn't go to a home at any cost, and knowing her, it would have finished her off," she said, adding that some elderly people do accept a home because they have company there, while others "are afraid or feel that their family has given up on them because they're a burden."

One commenter was blunt: "It's always the same story with old people and going to a home. Basically, if you're the only one responsible for your grandmother, you make the decision. This is like someone asking how to force a kid to go to school. Grandma, you're old and frail, you don't have a choice or the right to decide." Still, he also suggested an alternative: "The alternative is hiring someone for home care, but that's even more expensive than a home, if you want someone with her 24/7."

Home Care or Nursing Home: Costs and Waiting Lists

The discussion quickly turned to the financial side. One user claims that "home care hasn't been more expensive than a nursing home for a while," explaining that there's a lot of competition among caregivers across Croatia and beyond. At the same time, he warns about reality: "At the same time, there are many homes with waiting lists of up to 10 years."

The importance of signing up in time is highlighted by a user whose grandfather refused to be put on the list while he was still healthy. "Shortly after, his health began to deteriorate rapidly, and I live in a city where if you refuse to be put on the list, you'll never get another chance before you die. Now my mom and uncle are running over three times a day to take care of him on top of their jobs and other obligations."

When the Decision Comes Too Late

Some stories have a sadder ending. "My grandparents didn't want to go to a home, but when they became frail and immobile, we had to go arrange a place. They both ended up in the hospital (within three weeks of each other) and both died there, so we never even got to move them to the home where a spot was waiting... but I think it was better that way," one user wrote.

Another family has been caring for a grandmother who had two strokes and is completely bedridden for two years. "Mom and dad constantly take turns with shifts, and if they can't, my sister and I step in," the granddaughter described. "She also didn't want to go to a home, and my dad respected that, but he's the one who takes care of her the most. She's been in bed for two years now, and my parents are like they have a baby again." She also recommended concrete help: "A hospital bed and an anti-bedsore mattress were a godsend for us, and you can get them from Caritas for a small fee."

Some, however, managed to succeed with a gentle approach. "Mine accepted it within a month after she fell. It took a lot of work. Several of us talked to her every day, explaining that she couldn't manage on her own and couldn't go back. Her community nurse helped a lot in getting her to stop seeing it as abandonment," a user shared. Others suggest giving the grandmother the "illusion of control" and showing her through visits to homes that she could be happier in the company of her peers. One person also highlighted a home in Rovinj that offers single rooms, which could significantly ease acceptance.